Friday, August 21, 2009


I've seen over one movie this summer (two), so it's time I began a rundown of this season's coleslew of upcoming bratwurstbusters.

NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD: The Wild Untold Story of Ozplotation
--This movie I actually saw. Pretty good, except when Quentin Tarentino forced his way on set and wouldn't leave until he'd talked over half the movie. NQH:TWUSOO basically runs down a list of movies that make you think "I should totally see that!" for ten seconds, then forget what movie's called. The director, Mark Heart-Throb Hartley, took questions afterward, but I got nervous. Instead of asking him if he thought Australia were too late on the scene to ever be a significant contributor to international film aesthetic, I leaped up from my seat and ran screaming from the theater. OMG so embarassing.
BEST SCENE - Whenever Tarantino shut up.

I can never keep these two straight, maybe becayse my brother Jack had guinea pigs growing up and I had GI Joe dolls and the two would often fight each other in pitched battles of my own design (imagine GI Joes armed only with celery and carrots). Personally, I wish the films existed as they do in mind, where GI Joes and G Forces must work together to defeat Cobra Verde, starring Klaus Kinski.



The night sky just got a little brighter! All hail the return of Dragonheart's superstar! I thought DQ retired from acting after a football injury sustained during Any Given Sunday, but sports science or poverty has thrust him bodily back into the limelight. DQ will be cast in G-Force/iJoe as the Duke, a role originally slated for Chewbaca, but who serendipitously had to return to Endor for annual Life-Day festivities. After he convinced the casting director that he was Harrison Ford, boom! DQ found life after Enemy Mine.
Actually the only other upcoming movie DQ seems to be slated for is Legion, so you can unfocus on him now.

LEGION, or 2 Paradise 2 Lost
DQ (see above) plays a shotgun-wielding, angel-perforating desert-rat who has to hold out in a backwater diner against the Biblical apocalypse. I doubt the Church will be giving any positive reviews to an end-of-days portrayal wherein His servants are dispatched with mere buckshot, but I'm definitely going to wear my Wim Wenders shirt when I see it.

BEST SCENE: Lost in a reverie, Lucifer waxes maudlin about Paradise while DQ wails softly on a guitar.

I think GI Jews scalp comic-book Nazis. Brad Pitt tries to look good with a moustache. There's some babes.
BEST SCENE: Honestly, I've stopped caring about this particular review.

I thought at first this would be the sequel to Moon with Sam Rockwell, but it's apparently about vampires, who have unfortunately never enjoyed popularity with the young people. The movie starts with the Cullen family spending a fun day at Boomers. After their superhuman abilities end up destroying the batting cages, mini-golf and DDR machines, the one dude from before (Rob? Ian?) decides he has to hide Bella yet again from vampires more awesome than himself. His family helps hide her in an aquarium, where a lot of scenes of the young lovers gazing whistfully at each other through glass walls are symbolic of forbidden love or mortality vs immortality or the Book of Mormon or something. The twist here is that instead of turning into bats, the vampires turn into bat rays. Oh no!
In the end, Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht devours everyone concerned, starring (again) Klaus Kinski.

BEST SCENE: Did you read the part about the Cullen family doing DDR? That's pretty funny.

I thought this was going to be an incredibly silly movie--then I saw this:

HOWWWWWWWWWWL! Unfortunately, there's going to be a love story and some kind of sympathetic plea for the "monster", but no one's going to believe any of that. If the creators of Wolfman want to make a really scary movie, they'll just let Benicio Del Toro jump around snarling and growling for an hour.
BEST SCENE: During the credits they might have outtakes. I love those. Especially Rush Hour.